And Another Thing

I wrote in my post, "Dead," about the way I dealt with a recent code. You all know me; you know how I deal with traumatic events in my life. I am stoic and collected during the crisis, and then break down later. When I'm done with my breakdown, I get my proverbial shit together, and move on with the things I need to do.

I don't really think about the burned children anymore. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, hearing that mother screaming her child's name when she finds out she's died. I look at the house where I run my first code every time I go to the station. I always remember the things I see, I just deal with them as they come and move on.

I got an influx of emails and comments and response posts from what I said in "Dead." I really do appreciate the kind words and the advice. I know that there are some of you out there who have been doing this longer than I've been alive. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me; I have so much to learn from people like you.

But when I was a young girl, I had many people who were close to me die in a relatively short amount of time. I learned that everybody dealt with tragedy different ways. Some laughed, recalling good times they had with the person. Some cried uncontrollably. Some wrote poems. Some didn't do or say anything. And what I find interesting is that not one email or comment seemed to agree on the "right" way to deal. It was actually this interesting pattern I noticed that has sparked me to do my ENGL 410 (Literature of the American South) research paper on the way in which Southern grieving differs from the rest of the nation. I hope to interview a few of you for this paper.

Again, thank you. Please don't think I'm not listening, but you have to know that I'm always going to deal with things my way. The next time I write about a code or a rough call, I'll probably talk about breaking down afterwards in some form or fashion. I'm a tender-hearted girl, and I can't see this kind of devastation without reeling from it later. I've never been one to bottle away my emotions; when I do, my parents and friends probably want to kill me. I'm a seething bottle of bitch. It's not nice.

So I'll always deal with things as they come, and I'll always be hurt by the events that should hurt. Hell, I'll always be hurt by the things that wouldn't affect most people (I cry at...well, everything).

But please, keep sharing the wisdom, experiences, and thoughts with me. I (always) love knowing what you think.

Take care out there,


Beaker said...

With such high quality of writing, it's easy for us to see how much pain you're in; so, we worry :)

The important thing is that you have a way to deal with the pain that is not destructive and not self-destructive.

Evil Transport Lady said...

Sounds like you are dealing with everything just fine. It's the ones that don't get it out that I'd worry about.

Take care and keep up the great writing!

Anonymous said...

I'm a tender-hearted girl too - and a cryer - and as coping mechanisms go, I'm all for the "tough now, fall apart later" approach. That's the way it works for me too. All business when it counts - but after the worst ones, especially kids, I come undone. And I've said before, if I ever hit a point where a dead kid *doesn't* make me cry, I'm switching careers.
Keep up the good work!

Epijunky said...

*tight hug*

You're doing great, Sam... I'm proud of you.

ice_gnome said...

Everyone deals with it differently. It's the ones that choose not to deal with it at all that are the most worrisome. I had a partner who constantly refused to talk about any calls that were bad. He burnt out in about 4 years and left.

As long as you deal with it (and preferably in a non-destructive way, ie drinking/drugs) it's all good.

JS said...

There is nothing wrong with being tender-hearted... I wish I was. I know what you mean by the dreams... I still wake up with the taste of baby vomit in my mouth. JS

Anonymous said...

I agree with evil transport lady - you seem to be dealing with it fine - you're in tune with what you're feeling and letting it out when you can. Its as she said - the people who bottle it up are the ones to worry about.